Time Outs for Children
Q. Using time outs with my kids just isn't working! What am I doing wrong? B.K.
A. Parents who faithfully use time outs with their children as a form of discipline can still find that they are "not working." The temper tantrums, oppositional behaviors and meltdowns remain unchanged. Parents can even find that their children will place themselves in the designated time-out spot while continuing to act out. This indicates that some kind of behavioral conditioning is going on ("If I misbehave I have to go to the time-out chair,") but that the actual behaviors are not being addressed (I thought this was a magic chair!)
While this is disappointing and frustrating to well-meaning parents, we really don't want to raise children who act out of conditioned responses, but who make choices based on responsible convictions.
Young children are not developmentally ready or able to take advantage of a time out. Distressed, frustrated children are not able to calm themselves, and to ask them to do so without the support of a parent or caregiver is not much different from asking them to safely drive the car around the block. We need to teach our children to process their overwhelming emotions, just as we might teach them to tie their shoes or to do long division.
Out-of-control children are just that — out of control — and learning self-control comes with firm, gentle and active support. The rejection and abandonment young children frequently feel during a time out swamps their attempts to think about the misbehavior.
Try this alternative to time-outs: Anticipate the needs our children cannot meet — the times when they are too tired or hungry to hold it together — and to intuit and help them express the feelings they are too young to recognize. In so doing, we are also teaching a truly vital skill: emotional intelligence.
Susan Donnelly, LCSW, has been a practicing psychotherapist in Wyckoff and Ridgewood for nearly 30 years. Have a question for the therapist? Email susandlcsw@gmail.com.
margie
7:51 am on Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Can you address the issue of rebellious teens. They too need emotional intelligence and help understanding and expressing it. They often turn to mood altering substances to not deal with this stuff and this just irritates and frustrates their parents What's the best way to help these young ppl who are searching for acceptance from their parents, but often pushing the limits and going about it in the wrong way. Thank you for your reply
Susan Donnelly, LCSW
9:58 am on Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Margie, I agree! When teens rebel, they are frequently trying to say something that is beyond their ability to express. We now know kids are not fully able to intuit and express emotions, nor attain impulse control, until age 25. Pushing the limits & closeness with parents is frequently at cross purposes with acceptance by peers. The culture tells our adolescents that rebellion is expected of them. This is most intense at the top of the social pyramid, the popular group. First try to encourage friendships with kids outside of that group, where rebellion and, often, substance abuse, is a prerequisite to inclusion. Also, be alert for those times your teen may begin to open up to you - in the car, or when you're the busiest. Just listen, and then begin to help your teen make those vital connections between his unacceptable behavior and his unexpressed feelings. Remember two year-olds? The louder they yell they're not tired the more they need a nap? Teens are like that. Susan
Gary Stevens
10:19 am on Wednesday, February 22, 2012
You might try a martial arts program to allow them to vent their frustrations in a safe way and to teach them some self control. Martial Arts training tends to raise a child's level of self respect and self confidence and usually eliminates the need to succumb to peer pressures.